So I generally try to keep thing positive on this blog, but I gotta be honest today.
I’m lost currently.
I’ve been “home” for 2 weeks, but it doesn’t feel like home. Unfortunately, it’s not cause Haiti feels like home now either.
I’m just kinda caught in a place/time where I feel stuck. Unsure what is next, unsure what to do right now.
Life is different somehow.
When I started in Haiti, I had a clear purpose, now it’s fuzzy.
When we started our church at Crucified, I had a purpose, now that’s missing too.
“I” want to do disaster response ministry, but to this point in my life, I’ve signed up for 3 classes to get training for this goal, and all three have been cancelled. So, apparently, that door is shut right now.
Maybe it’s for the best.
Maybe the truth is that my purposes, while glorifying to God, all needed to have an underpinning of me getting to be the “hero”, to walk in and make sense of a situation that I was specially trained to help with.
I’m sure that I was called to start the church, and that I was called to go to Haiti, and that God has done amazing things through all of that.
But now, I feel like I’m completely focused on myself.
I am beginning to understand when scripture talks about a man serving 2 masters.
I can either follow, full tilt, into Christ’s leading, or I can fall into my own little world. I am personally incapable of doing both.
Pray for me as I take the next few days and seek out what God’s got for me next, as I refocus on his purposes.
To say that I am lacking a purpose while I am in the states is arrogant and self-serving. God is with me here, just as in Haiti, and He has work that needs done right now. Pray for me as I seek that.
And pray for me as I seek the next steps in Haiti.
I know I am to continue there, if for no other reason than to honor commitments, and stay faithful to my friends there. God does not call us to abandon projects once we have started them, so I know I will continue most of what I have been doing, but there are a ton of thoughts related to life in Haiti that I need to work through.
Also, pray for me as I look into expanding with F1, and contracting in other senses.
I have to evaluate the possibility of going to Africa for short term trips. Is this my will, of His?
I have to evaluate the idea of a factory in Haiti. It is a great concept, and logically, it is amazing, but is that what God has called me to, or is that my own idea?
I have to step forward with the education (I think) because one thing that God has been making clear is that I need help, and I need to help the Haitians to help themselves more.
So, please pray for me, as I try to sort some of this out.